Battlefield- A memoir of two broken girls
by Pezberrybaby13
Summary: We seemed like a good idea.
1. Chapter 1

~NOTE~ ~~~Warning~~ There might be things that can be triggering~Read at your own risk.

AU Pezberry. Focused on Rachel and Santana mainly.

Brief Faberry , Klaine at the beginning briefly

In this fanfiction Rachel lives in Arizona and Kurt is her older Brother, Kurt is a senior in highschool who moved to Texas with his dad and now goes to Marylee Highschool with Santana Lopez and her cousin, Blaine Anderson. Kurt is very close to San. Santana is /Bisexual/ and a Senior in highschool aswell.

Quinn Fabray lives in Michigan, at 15 she moved there with her parents but already knew Rachel since before.

Brittany is Santana's best friend.

There will be two parts, the second part being the Alternative Ending.

There will also be OC's…One mainly.

The story begins at the end of Santana's Junior Year


	2. Chapter 2

April 2012

Santana sat in English class, obviously bored. Yet she was glad she was able to text during that class, otherwise class would've been like hell. Not that she'd ever been there, but she thought it was worse than any pain. There was only one more week of school left and she'd be a senior. Finally. She had been waiting for this moment since she was a freshman. She wished to get the hell out of this town for good.

" San? Have you done the physics homework?" When she heard her name she turned away from her phone screen and looked at Kurt. She nodded and handed it to him quickly with a smirk. She didn't mind him copying, to her it was fine. "Relax, Hummel you won't see him until 7th period" Santana chuckled as she saw him rush to put the work on his own paper.

"So? 7th period is close" Kurt rolled her eyes at her and Santana chuckled, turning back to her phone. When she heard her name called again she looked up. It was her teacher asking her to pay attention. She rolled her eyes and sighed, looking at the board. She didn't want to be here, she just wanted summer to come by quick.

When class was over in 30 minutes she picked up her things and put them in her bag, grabbing her physics homework and putting it neatly inside as well. It was lunch time, which meant Kurt and Blaine would be close to each other, a little too close and she'd roll her eyes and just talk to Brittany. She didn't mind though, Brittany was fun to talk to. Brittany had always been an amazing friend. She walked out of the classroom with Kurt, glancing at him every once in a while. "So how's your sister?" She asked curiously.

"Rachel?" Kurt responded.

"Do you have another sister?" She asked sarcastically.

Kurt rolled his eyes and looked at her. "She's been okay, you can always text her."

"Wouldn't that be weird? She doesn't know me…and I only know what you tell me about her." Santana replied, still walking beside him.

"You two would be amazing friends." He chuckled and grabbed a pen then taking a hold of Santana's hand. He wrote Rachel's number in her palm, and it tickled. "Plus, she needs someone. She doesn't tell me anything and you can probably take whatever worries her out of her mouth and help her" He added and Santana raised her eyebrow, confused but she didn't question it. She only nodded and entered the cafeteria with him, each walking to one person. Kurt walked directly to her cousin, Blaine and she walked to Brittany. But before she sat down on the lunch table with Brittany she sent a quick message to Rachel.

Text: Hey, Rachel. It's Santana, Kurt's close friend and I just wanted to say..Hi and I'm here if you'd like to talk.-S

Text: Hi, I know of you. Kurt talks about you. Thank you.- R

Santana looked at the text and smiled lightly and finally sat down next to the blonde. "How's your day so far?" Santana asked Brittany, and Brittany smiled at her.

"It's been great" She said and pushed her food aside, Santana raised an eyebrow but shrugged it off.

"Glad you're having a better day then me." She smiled.

"Why are you not having a great day?" Brittany asked a small concerned expression showing. Santana only shrugged.

"Come on, San tell me. We've been friends since Sophomore year" She pleaded.

"I'm honestly just sleepy" She reassured her and gave her a smile. It was true, she was tired. She only had 2 hours of sleep due to all the projects she had to have done. Fortunately she did finish everything. Yet she also had to load her system with coffee, which made her all jittery and tired at the same time.

"Are you okay though?" Santana asked Brittany, referring to the plate that was put aside. Santana in reality wasn't hungry, she never ate school food either but with Brittany it was different. She had seen her skip meals and after go to the restroom.

Brittany shrugged and looked down. "I'll text you tonight okay? And tomorrow is Saturday so maybe we can hang out… I just hope you don't hate me" She was rambling now, but atleast she'd get an answer as to why tonight. She hoped it wasn't what she had assumed earlier, she didn't want to think about that.

"Promise?" Santana asked, holding her pinky out to her. Brittany only nodded, locking her pinky with hers.

Later that day, she finally got a text from Brittany. It was what she assumed. Her best friend had been binging and purging for years, it all started when her mom died. She wanted to help her, and she promised to always be here for her. Yet she didn't entirely know how, she was scared for Brittany. So scared that she wanted to cry and hold her best friend until she stopped hurting. Another person that texted was Rachel. It was random but she wanted advice, no she didn't want advice and she knew it. She wanted to be saved.

That night, two people needed her help. If she would've fallen asleep from her weariness, then Rachel would've been dead. If she would've fallen asleep, she probably would've never known about Brittany.


	3. Chapter 3

July

2 months had gone by. Santana still helped Brittany eat. She was there when Rachel needed her. Evantually Santana began having this strong attraction toward Rachel, but she didn't act on it. Instead she ignored it, she let that feeling go dormant. Rachel had now become Santana's best friend, someone she could always go to when Kurt left to hang out with other friends, leaving Santana behind. She didn't mind, she had Rachel in that moment and Brittany even though she could never be so open with her like she was with Rachel.

Text from Rachel: Remember when I told you I wouldn't make it past June?-R

Text to Rachel: Are you okay?

Text from Rachel: Yes, I'm just trying to say thank you. You're a great friend.

Text to Rachel: Anytime. I love you cupcake okay?

Text from Rachel: I love you too,Muffin.

Text to Rachel: Best friends forever.

Text from Rachel: And always.

Santana smiled at their text messages. She was adorable, like when Rachel would send her random selfies. She'd smile because she was too cute. Santana sighed and stayed in her room, that's how it's been most summer. Brittany only texted her sometimes and she was pretty much alone. She felt alone. Even though Rachel was still there, she was miles away. In Arizona with her mom, Rachel was also with someone else. Her name was Quinn Fabray, but she lived in Michigan. Santana had a girlfriend who was born there. Had. That was last year and it was out of curiosity, of course it didn't last more than three months. Santana never felt like she was the relationship type. She never did, after Karen the rest of her relationships only lasted one month. Until she met Clarissa.


	4. Chapter 4

August- September

Clarissa was this girl she met. Every now and then Santana would go to Rachel and ask for relationship advice, and Rachel would nicely give her some advice. She felt grateful to have Rachel, she made her feel wanted. She made her feel happier, she hadn't felt happy in months but Rachel only changed that as soon as she became part of her life. She was her cupcake, Santana was her muffin. As corny as that sounded to other people, she didn't care at all.

Text to Rachel: How are you and Quinn?

Text from Rachel: We've been fighting a lot, I don't know honestly.

Text to Rachel: Have you tried talking to her about it?

Text from Rachel: Yes but she always seems to ignore, or is always busy.

Text to Rachel: I'm sorry sweetie.

Text from Rachel: It's okay, I think I like someone else. Her name is Jane. She was my ex, Remember I told you about her? She cheated on me.

Text to Rachel: So you like her again?

Text from Rachel: A little, I mean I've always liked her. And she has been better at talking to me as a girlfriend then Quinn.

Text to Rachel: Oh. Well just do what makes you happy.

And Santana did want her to be happy. That's all she had ever wanted. She wanted Rachel to be happy despite everything else. If Rachel wasn't happy, Santana would feel sad. Clarissa was a good girlfriend to Santana. She was always there, always nice. She was very loving and Santana thought that maybe with Clarissa, she'd get over her stupid crush on Rachel. Clarissa did make her forget about that crush, with Clarissa she only saw Rachel as Rachel saw Santana. A best friend. Someone who would always be there no matter what. Clarissa was always there too, but Rachel was the only one that could know certain things. Santana wasn't someone who could trust someone easily, but Rachel was different. She was afraid, that someday she'd lose her best friend but she never really thought about it, she tried to keep her as much as she could. August and September came by quickly. Santana was already starting her senior year, Rachel was starting her sophomore year. Senior year started off exciting, having Clarissa by her side and Rachel just made everything much simpler. To add to that, her and Brittany became closer.


	5. Chapter 5

October- November

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now they look as if they're here to stay" Santana sang softly in her room, her tears rolling down her eyes. She was sad, Rachel and her had gotten into a fight. Maybe to others, it wouldn't had seemed like such a big deal but now her best friend hated her. She was alone now. She tried to move on, find a better best friend and she couldn't.

A few weeks into October, she gave up and texted Kurt. She needed to know if Rachel was better off without her.

Text from Kurt: She's fine, She visited the University of Arizona.

Santana sighed. She remember Rachel talking about that University. Santana said she'd apply there so she could finally see her and they would make their own cupcake shop to pay off certain things. They would make their own original cupcakes. She remembered one night, they had thought about making an orange coffee cupcake. It was random, really random and it made her laugh. It was a great night. That night. They had searched to see if any of the cupcakes they made up names for were already taken, the orange coffee cupcake wasn't.

Text to Kurt: So she's better off without me?

Text from Kurt: Don't say that, Im sure she misses you. Talk to her?

Text to Kurt: She won't reply to me, Im sure.

Text from Kurt: Try and find out.

Santana sighed and sat on her bed, grabbed her phone and decided to text Rachel. Surprised that she replied, she smiled lightly.

Text to Rachel: I'm sorry.

Text from Rachel: You know, what you said was really wrong.

Text to Rachel: I already said I'm sorry.

Text from Rachel: Okay.

Text to Rachel: Just okay? Obviously youre better off without me.

Text from Rachel: What do you want me to say? You triggered me. But no, I never said that.

Santana sighed, the texts continued back and forth and by the end of that rainy Friday, she had her best friend back. She was fine again, finally. They talked again about their future with their significant others and she was just fine. They even had this new thing, whenever Santana felt sad, Rachel would tell her a story about her life. Santana didn't think all of them were funny, but for some reason they just cheered her up. It made her feel like she wasn't the only one who had these embarrassing moments or the moments that were not supposed to be told once it happened. She felt comfortable with her, after so many years she finally felt like someone loved her enough to be her best friend. She didn't want Rachel to leave, ever. She would feel lost, she'd feel empty. Rachel made her feel strong in her darkest moments, better in her sad moments. She was different to her, someone special. For a moment it was like an angel sent down to protect her. In November she found out Clarissa was cheating on her with a girl online. She was from somewhere in the United Kindom. Santana did feel a little sad, but they continued going out. She gave her another chance, but she had lost all trust in Clarissa. Even Rachel hated her, she should've left her the moment Rachel asked her to. The next 2 months were all fighting with Clarissa, it annoyed Santana and it made Rachel hate Clarissa even more. Santana cried sometimes, the only person who would always be able to cheer up was Rachel. Always Rachel, and only Rachel. Her cupcake, her best friend.


	6. Chapter 6

December

December came as quickly as it could. Santana was now single, Rachel was with someone else now. Not Quinn, that was long gone. There were those nights where Rachel just wanted to tell her things, Santana always listened. She loved her, but she wouldn't tell her that. Her dormant feelings became more alive day by the in December, and Rachel knew nothing of it. Then came one day. December 22nd and they had gotten in a fight again. Santana felt alone once again, she felt like everything would end as quickly as it started, but before she lost her best friend, she had to confess. She was never the first to confess, but she felt like she had nothing to lose.

Text to Rachel: I can't tell you who I like.. You'll hate me.

Text from Rachel: I could never hate you.

Text to Rachel: You. I like you and I don't know how to stop.

Text from Rachel: Ive liked you since the moment I met you, but I was afraid to say anything because you were with someone else.

Santana was surprised. She didn't expect that from Rachel, but it made her heart beat faster. It made her happy. No, she was already happy before, this only made her happier. By that night they were already together.

Santana and Rachel seemed happy, for Christmas they skyped for the first time. Santana teased her by mimicking Rachel's voice whenever she'd say something. It was so high then she'd go "You're mean!" And Santana would laugh, thinking it was so adorable. It was adorable, and she could only admire her face so much. She was beautiful, she was amazing. She was Santana's and Santana was hers. By the end of December though, people meddled in. Santana and Rachel were in the rocks, Santana tried to save it, Rachel would only let go. She didn't know why. Once they broke up, It didn't hit Santana that she had lost her again until 3 days later.

Now who can I go to?

My friend is gone and I feel so lost

What did it turn to?

I need someone holding me fast.

Now that I have so much to say

I have no choice but to hide it away

I need my best friend, I miss her so much.

Why did it all happen in such a rush?

It just hit me, the fact that I have no one to go to

I only have the memories I have left to hold on to.

When I feel sad, I have to hide it inside.

How long until the feelings go outside.

Now I'm crying, As if that will help bring her back.

Sad songs make me sadder now that she won't be back

It hurts, It hurts so much.

I've become so sensitive; I am not so strong anymore.

I need my best friend holding me here.

I need my best friend back.

I need my sister here.

I need her telling me stories when I am sad.

I need her telling me I'll be fine when I cry.

Now she's gone without a care.

And I am broken crying for my best friend.

I'm so vulnerable; the slightest insult makes me want to cry

I didn't used to be like this, I used to not care.

So now I ask myself, Why?

~ Poem by Santana Lopez.


	7. Chapter 7

January , 2013

Santana by now felt numb. She didn't have much in her anymore. She felt like she was dying slowly, the person she loved the most didn't love her at all. Later in January they talked again, only for Santana to be hurt again. Rachel's words of hatred burned in her mind. She was told to die, she was told she was hated by the person who was once her best friend. Every day she would ask herself how she could love someone who hated her and how she could never hate her. She never could. She felt too attached, and when there was no Rachel part of Santana died with that relationship. She had snapped at Rachel and now both were these monsters to each other. But it only occurred to Santana once, Rachel would change between being a nice person and someone completely changed. Santana experienced both people, the cruel Rachel and the Rachel who was in pain. Santana had asked for a story late January, only to be replied to with harsh words. That was the cruel Rachel, and Santana finally decided it was best to move on. She got closer to Brittany, she got worried then because she could see Brittany getting weaker and weaker. She hated to see Brittany in pain; she didn't want to lose the only thing that cared about her.

After Valentine's Day there was a party. Brittany and Santana attended, at that party Santana met a boy. For the first time in almost a month, she smiled. Once the party was over, she learned the boy's name. His name was Christian and the spent the days texting each other back and forth. For once in her life, she had forgotten about the memories with Rachel. She had forgotten about Rachel and for once she didn't look back. Santana felt alright, life was brought back to her.

Though, a week later Rachel texted her. It was a story and an apology. She wasn't sad though, she hadn't ask for one. It was unexpected, but this was the same Rachel she fell in love with. Except she was more vulnerable.

Text From Rachel: Remember how I said I wouldn't make it past June.

Text to Rachel: I remember a lot.

Text from Rachel: I lied to you when I said I wasn't planning it. But I did, and I have. I've been pushing everyone away. I'm done with everything, I'm just done.

Text to Rachel: Don't you look forward to a wonderful career? And your wife and that little boy you always wanted. A boy named Aiden.

Text from Rachel: Not anymore.

Text from Rachel: Why is everything so complicated. I thought I'd be fine with you dating other people but I'm not. All I keep thinking about is that blade.

Text to Rachel: I'm sorry, you did this. You pushed me away.

Text from Rachel: Im not worth it.

Text to Rachel: You're worth everything to me.

Text from Rachel: Im not and I'm not okay either. I have no friends and I don't mind growing old with cats, or finally having a car crash into me and I finally die.

Text to Rachel: Don't say that. Do me a favor and please throw the blades away.

Text from Rachel: I'll try. But I can't I'm too weak, Im not okay. Im just done.

When Santana asked about Quinn, Rachel stopped texting. Rachel was with Quinn again and she knew that, she was told by Clarissa. The girl claiming to now be Rachel's best friend. Santana took a deep breath and deleted the messages between her and Rachel, now texting Christian who somehow made her smile a little. But every now and then when Christian would ask things like "Who wouldn't like you? Youre so adorable" Her mind would go back to Rachel. She wondered why Rachel hated her, why she would lie to Santana. She wondered why Rachel would propose to Quinn in June Rachel planned to be dead by then. She didn't understand her at all. That was the end of that though, Rachel didn't plan on contacting Santana again. Santana hated that, she hated that Rachel broke her promise, she hated that she came into her life again only to leave a few hours later. She hated that she was like a spirit, who could only be seen if she allows you to see her.


	8. Chapter 8

March

Santana had gone to her first date with Christian, she liked it. She liked him, but something always seemed to pull he back and that was Rachel. Those texts just bugged her, she didn't want Rachel dead. Rachel wasn't happy, but did she really know this new Rachel at all? She could be lying for all Santana knew, or maybe she was making space for Santana to move on, but Rachel didn't know Santana at all if she thought Santana would be happier without her. To make matters much less simple, she got accepted to the University of Arizona, the memories only kept burning into her brain again. All the promises. Promises both girls didn't keep up with, because Rachel would never respond and she could never be the real Rachel with Santana. She was always so complicated.

April, Santana hadn't heard from her, but the memories were still there. May passed way fast and June finally arrived.


	9. Chapter 9

June

Santana sighed and sat on her bed, texting Chris not knowing yet what they were. They were probably together or still in the process. June was the day Rachel had planned to die, it was also the day she planned to propose. She hoped it was the proposal that happened, because she'd rather have Rachel alive and happy with someone else than dead.

She decided to text her, but there was no reply. She didn't know if to be worried, or to not think at all. Afterall maybe Rachel had finally moved on, maybe she was finally happy but she couldn't keep the image of a scared little girl dead, a blade on her hand and blood around her. It was scary, and even though Rachel had been mean to her she only hoped she was okay. She would only die again inside if Rachel was dead, Rachel was her everything once in her life. In a way she still is, Santana still cares for her and still loves her. She was hopelessly devoted to Rachel no matter how much pain she caused Santana. Santana was stupid to still love her but she couldn't forget her, she never knew how.

"Please be okay." She whispered to herself and texted Rachel again, hoping. Waiting. Praying that she was okay. It was the first time in months Santana prayed. She had never really be prayed before because she didn't actually know or believe that there was a god out there. She got on her knees, resting her elbows on the bed and holding her hands together. She closed her eyes, whispering a prayer softly. A few tears escaped down her cheeks and she sniffled.

She prayed for a few minutes, kept her eyes closed and wished that her cupcake was okay. She asked for forgiveness and asked that both girls could one day find the happiness they both deserved. She prayed for one day to love Chris. Then her phone vibrated. Her eyes opened up quickly and took a deep breath.

She grabbed her phone and opened her messages, the letters suddenly turning blurry as her eyes spilled tears.

Rachel was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

There will be an Alternative ending, a happier and much more different ending.

But i'll post that by the end of March. I hope you liked it, and i hope You stay tuned for the Alt. Ending.

If there's any questions, comments. Feel free to Message me c:


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